I feel like everything’s crumbling around me. Like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing, because I’m being “punished”. That’s the only reason I feel that way. Oh and also cause I feel like I’m not supposed to be working. At least not full time. I feel like maybe I am at that point. Where my health & mental health should be more important. To spend less time working and more time improving myself. I’m tired and I’m sick, all the time. I can’t keep food down and it sucks.
Idk. I feel like I’m meant to do my own thing. Like school, for example. Instead of feeling obligated to do something every day, day in and day out. 11am. Gotta be at the office. Feeling sick. Don’t call in because I’m afraid they’ll fire me. People talking shit about me. Don’t tell my sup because I should be stronger than that. All of this is so much…and I just have this mad urge to go back to school. That’s all I want.
I’m fucking tired of all this relationship shit taking over my personal life. I’ve made it into this huge thing, and for years now, I’ve been addicted to past relationships & the memories along with it and all that. I’m tired of it. I wanna be normal. I wanna feel independent. And not look for someone. I have to learn to wait for the right moment. I don’t wanna be “diagnosed” anything.
I don’t wanna be depressed. It’s the most painful thing. I feel like I’m more depressed as a 20 yr old than my 16 yr old self. Idk I think along with time comes change..and I’m in that grey area where I’m not sure I’m ready to change even more. When is enough ever enough? I know I need to work on shit more. Not oblivious to that. But how much longer until I feel like I’m balancing all good things, not crappy things?
I guess being sick and not doing annyythingg is making me think about a lot of this. Like, why I got a studio vs. a 1bdrm apt. Cause I didn’t think I’d be strong enough to restrict myself to one guy.. And now im realizing that was a stupid decision, cause I’m so past that now..I did pull through (compared to way back) and now I’m just lonely. Idk in the back of my head I’m happy that I’m ignoring all guys who only want sex. I have a feeling if any guy from hs tries to contact me, it’s about sex. I hate that. So I wanna move past that. I have been. I know because I feel it. That it really is okay to not be attached to someone to feel happy. Maybe happiness could be found elsewhere. Like family..or striving for a dream. Just at this point right now, I literally can’t find much to be happy about. And it’s ok. This will pass.
